I've got death on my mind. Why are we so troubled by the cessation of life? Not just in humans, but in animals -- even plants. I remember being very careful to not step on any bugs as a child. I would often scold my sister, who seemed to make a habit out of crushing ants.
"Sarah Naslund! Don't you dare hurt those poor ants!"
Ah, if only there were some cosmic big brother to tell all the jerks of the world not to hurt human beings. Things would improve quickly, I bet.
I don't know where I'm going with this, so bare with me.
On second thought, don't. I'm dead on the inside right now. Thats what death is, I guess. Not existing. Not being "there" anymore. I'm not there, or even here right now. My mind is just....gone.
How long have I felt this way? Weeks? Months? Years? How long have I sulked in depression without even realizing it? Too long.
Here is a prayer by Thomas Merton. It speaks to me, even though I'm sort of ambivalent about God's existence, or, assuming that he does exist, his benevolence. The prayer of an unbeliever, the prayer of an atheist in the shadow of death.
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact
that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you. And I hope I have
that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart
from that desire. And I know that if I do
this you will lead me by the right road
though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for you
will never leave me to face my perils alone.